There’s so much information out there when it comes to self love. It’s become such a buzzword and taken so many forms that it can be hard to decipher exactly what it is anymore. As self love is such a subjective term that people use to describe ways of looking after themselves, it’s become a cliche of its own because it’s become something marketable, and with this it has been pulled away from its true essence.

You probably receive emails from brands about self love and them trying to sell you their latest skincare products or ‘treat yourself’ packages, but self love is much more than just the things you buy to make yourself feel better in the moment. So how do you know if what you’re doing is really self love and self care, or are you just buying into the cliche? 

What really is self love?

The term self love stems from many psychological revelations, coming in the form of self esteem, self worth, and originally self belief which was coined as ‘mental hygiene’ by psychologist William Sweetser in 1830. While it wasn’t such a popular term in the 1800’s, when the 1960s Hippie era came around, the promotion of peace and love, along with major social change including the feminist movement and Black Power movement in the 70s, created a new discourse around how we love and respect each other and ourselves.

While this discussion of self love was based on social and societal changes, it wasn’t until the rise of social media in the 2010s that self love became more than an external debate. As social media opened a gateway into the personal lives of millions of people around the world, it has created a platform for people to share their own experiences, especially with mental health issues and awareness. 

Slashing the stigmas around mental health has been one of the great take-aways from social media so far, and self love has resurfaced in a more powerful, personal way because of it.

But I’ve been practicing self love, I think?

We understand that self love, self esteem, and belief in oneself are all linked, but how do we actually achieve this level of confidence in our everyday lives? You’ve probably heard of people giving advice about their own self love routines, which can include things like getting a stress-relieving massage, doing small things like taking a bath or putting on a hydrating face mask. There are even self love candles and skincare products; some people refer to self love as simply getting their hair done or taking time for some retail therapy. 

The problem with all of these forms of self love is that it’s all external and material; sure, getting yourself pampered and treating yourself to some expensive gifts can bring joy in the moment, but it won’t actually fix the problem you are trying to solve. Real self love is about practicing things every day that ensures you are looking after yourself.

The essence of self love is building up your self esteem and confidence, backing your own beliefs and creating positive change in your life. In this case, change doesn’t mean getting a new outfit or changing your hair colour – though these things can help you glow from the outside, it won’t add any value in the long term. 

Starting the self love journey

Take a moment to look at your life, stripping away all of your material possessions and external assets, what do you have that you can be grateful for? You know the saying ‘you can’t love others if you can’t love yourself’, it should replace the word love with the word appreciation. The purest form of self love is appreciation; if you cannot appreciate yourself and the value of your worth, you won’t be able to appreciate and fully accept love from others. 

Look inward at your life; what is your ambition, your purpose and your goals? By really thinking about how you can achieve what you want to get out of life, moving with direction and ambition, while creating goals and truly making moves to work towards them, you are actively working on your self love every day. 

It can be a confronting and scary thing to do, but by looking at what is stopping you from achieving your dreams (often fears we do not want to face), we are making real change in our lives in a positive way. Self love isn’t just about purchases that make us feel good temporarily, it’s about making an impact in your day to day life that will better your quality of life and bring your purpose to the forefront. 

Once you begin to appreciate yourself and your worth, you will start to look outward and appreciate those around you. Not only will your relationship with yourself improve, your relationships with others and knowing the difference between who is worth your time and who is draining your energy will give you a lot more self love than getting a facial and having a green tea.