We all know relationships have their complications from time to time, but when the relationship has run its course and you find yourself at the end of the road, being separated or deciding to get a divorce is not an easy thing to achieve. While each relationship is unique, so too is your separation. However, there are common stages of separation or divorce that couples go through to become ‘uncoupled’, much like the stages of grief. 

Being separated or divorced can be one of the hardest things a person can go through in their life, not just emotionally but financially and physically too. You might not just have yourselves to worry about when it comes to separating, it also has impacts on your family, kids, work life, business, assets and finances. Navigating this stressful time is difficult especially when it’s something so unfamiliar and has shaken up your whole world.

Let’s dive into five ways you can navigate the emotional and psychological impacts of divorce or separation:

Focus on your situation

It can be easy to get swept up in other people’s divorce stories and the nasty ones are especially dramatic, but that doesn’t have anything to do with your separation or divorce, because you get to decide how it goes down. You’re at this point in your relationship because you and your partner have tried everything you can to save it, and this is just coming to a natural end. By accepting the fact that your relationship is changing, not finger-pointing or blaming your partner or yourself, you will find it easier to navigate difficult times if you meet your situation with kindness and understanding.

While it can be tempting to indulge in listening to those worst case scenario stories and start to wonder what will happen down the track, avoid looking outward at other people’s situations. When separations or divorces get messy, it’s mainly due to the couple and how they handle the situation individually, offering bitter, unhealthy etiquette for the end of their relationship. Each relationship is unique, so too is each separation – you’ll have a smoother transition if you meet your partner with clarity, honesty and respect, allowing them to offer you the same standards. 

Family and friends aren’t lawyers

Having a strong support system in place while going through a separation or divorce is crucial to keeping your mental health in check. It can be especially helpful when you have other aspects to deal with like children, running a business or having a stressful job. Your family and friends are there as your foundation to use when you’re undergoing a stressful time in your life, but be careful when leaning on them for advice or counsel when it comes to your actual proceedings.

Your divorce is exactly that, yours, and while you might have a relative who’s been through it or you have a friend that’s trying to be supportive, their situations don’t reflect yours. Sure it can be helpful to have someone to vent to about your current issues, but when you start taking advice from those who aren’t legally equipped, it can get pretty messy pretty quickly. Seek divorce advice from a trained professional and do some research from peer-reviewed sources about progressing through separation. At the end of the day, it’s your life and your decision, not your family or friends' life; you have to live with your decisions everyday. 

Become your number 1 priority

It’s easy to get swept up in the drama of divorce and often you’ll find yourself putting your needs dead last, much like you did during your relationship. This is a time for self-reflection and looking inward; you are about to end a huge part of your life and that can be difficult to face. Thoughts of loneliness and starting over can be confronting, but in order to prioritise your wellbeing and mental health, addressing your fears will give you the upper hand in the long run.

Use this time to remember what you love doing and things that make you happy. You’ve been going through quite an emotional ordeal, you need to give yourself permission to have a break! Love yourself and remind yourself why you are going through this hard time; it always gets better and you should treat yourself with love and understanding, whether things are going well or not. We are our own harshest critics, look after yourself and you’ll come out the other side a whole lot happier.

Cutting those emotional ties

However your separation or divorce came about, there is always going to be feelings of anger or resentment that will eventually rise to the surface. You might want to do something as harmless as deleting your partner off social media, or do something more destructive like burn their belongings. While you need to address your feelings, this isn’t the best way to do it.

You know when people say “never go to bed angry”? Well the same goes for making decisions. Sure it can feel good at the time, but the part in our brain that recognises consequences is temporarily blurred when we’re enraged. Once we come out of this state we regret the behaviours we can’t undo – forget trying to get even. Frankly, it isn’t worth your time and it only makes them look better in court.

The best way to get over the anger? Sometimes you just need an emotional cleanse of your partner and relationship; try to avoid talking to them about anything other than kids schedules or divorce proceedings. Don’t indulge by strolling down memory lane with them. You need to shut them off for a while and go for a detox, once you’re able to cut emotional ties, those extreme feelings will be a thing of the past.

Focus on the new you

Like I mentioned earlier, you are your new number 1 priority, but what does that actually entail? Look at what you’ve discovered about yourself during these stages of separation or divorce; are you back to doing things you love that you gave up? Are you finally reconnecting with yourself on a deeper level? You might be surprised that you aren’t just finding out new things about yourself, your old self is coming back to life too. 

Be proud of how resilient you have been during this difficult process. You are designing the future plan that is your life, there are so many wonderful things you can do that it’s now up to you to take the wheel and go forth! Taking back the control of your life is something to smile and dance about, so embrace your newfound freedom and get back on the road to self-discovery.