Being in a relationship with a narcissist

Being with a narcissist can be difficult if you don’t know what to do or if you’re yet to identify them as one. Though you might be in a relationship with someone who has some narcissistic traits, it doesn’t automatically make them a narcissist – and dealing with someone who has a personality disorder is a lot different to people who have some qualifying traits. 

For most people dating a narcissist, they don’t actually know because narcissistic people are so good at hiding their unfavourable traits in the beginning of a relationship that they can remain undetected for months, even years. By the time you start to realise who they really are and take off the rose-coloured glasses, it might be too late and you’ve already invested so much time and energy into the relationship.

It’s a lot harder to identify a narcissist when you’ve been with them for so long, let alone letting go of the relationship. You might think you can change them or they’ve become a project for you to fix, but in reality they are already set in their ways and it will be very difficult to change their behaviour; but not all hope should be lost.

What exactly is a narcissist?

There are a few traits that shape the way a narcissist operates. They need to be constantly praised and adored, and if they aren’t getting their fix from you its best to assume they’re fishing for compliments from friends, family or coworkers about how great they are. It’s not as obvious as it sounds though, as they are so professional at manipulating the conversation.

They might start by saying “I’m not good at ___” or “Do you think I’m doing well in ___?” . This can sound like pretty normal talk, but their only motive is to satisfy their ego, not to actually learn anything. Sometimes they can explain how someone else complimented them, trying to look modest but actually wanting you to chime in on the compliment train “and Jessica said ‘I don't know how you do it, you’re amazing!’” – Does it sound familiar?

Other traits are being able to gaslight someone easily as their manipulation techniques are expert; they know exactly how to push your buttons and as soon as you express your feelings they guilt trip you into thinking it’s your fault for bringing it up. This is how they avoid talking about anything real or something that they’ve done wrong and placing the blame onto you, they are always the victim.

Have you noticed your partner interrupts you whenever you’re talking about events in your day or recalling something? They easily hijack the conversation with “That’s what happened to me when…” or “Yes, I agree because when I…” – they steer the narrative toward themselves and you haven’t even finished your story! Though narcissists are self-centered, they place a lot of value on what others think; this is why they are constantly trying to make themselves seem like the best because they need others to agree.

Dealing with a narcissist

There’s not a whole lot you can do to change a narcissist, but you can manage how they react and behave in everyday situations. Some narcissists know they are one, while others just play it off as part of their ‘personality’ and they can’t help it. Essentially, you can’t try to break their self-absorbed bubble by telling them they are a narcissist, unless you want to be on the receiving end of their wrath. 

Once you expose their true colours it won’t change who they are, they’ll just hate you for trying to kill their vibe. It’s not worth the ‘narcissistic injury’ because you’ll be feeling it for months; keeping thoughts to yourself is the short term solution. The long term solution is using their weakness of needing to be liked, praised and adored by others, to your advantage. 

Narcissists are much like children because they learn by association – remember learning about positive and negative reinforcement at school? Your reactions are the reinforcement to their behaviour and will help shape how they behave in future. If they do something that’s admirable, like cooking a meal for you or doing the groceries without you asking, you need to reward them with plenty of praise and adoration. They’ll love the gratification when you show them some love and even brag about it to others in front of them, they’re likely to continue doing it.

If they behave in a way that is unfavourable or embarrassing, you need to either have no reaction at all or give them the silent treatment. When they feel any sort of shame, especially in front of others, it forces them to do things differently. Let them know with your actions that sort of behaviour will not be tolerated, and it also establishes your power in the relationship.

Final thoughts

If you discuss with them that other people will think less of them for doing these things, they will likely change their attitude or behaviour before the worst case scenario happens, which is being disliked and ignored. If it’s something that will hurt their reputation, narcissists are more likely to steer towards what others will praise; you can use this to your advantage by changing bad behaviours into positive ones.