There are a number of reasons why people cheat, which unfortunately means there isn’t one cut and dry answer to the question “I found my partner cheating on me… what do I do next?”

I’ve seen cheating be the end for many relationships, because it takes a lot of diligence and dedication to work through infidelity and build trust again. It also takes a lot of work for the hurt partner to give forgiveness; while for the cheating partner it takes a lot of work to show up and own the consequences of their actions – both for the relationship and the effect they’ve had on the person they love.

In this situation there’s a cheating partner, a hurt partner, there’s often relationship issues, and there’s personal issues to address… but what I’ll start with is that cheating doesn’t have to be the end of a relationship. I know – shock horror?! But I’m here to tell you it really doesn’t. 

What’s your next move?

If you find yourself in a situation where your partner has cheated on you, it’s very difficult to move onto your logical next step. You’ve been hurt and there’s been a misuse of trust, so naturally you’ll be reactive around the situation (and so you should be!).

Before you make a decision about your next steps, I want you to take a step back and evaluate if exiting the relationship is something you want to do, or whether you want to stay and work on it.

Now I’m not suggesting that you should stay in a relationship after cheating – if there’s too much pain associated and you can’t let it go, then you need an exit strategy. However, if you feel you want to stay in the relationship I would recommend that you seek help from a professional. Having an impartial party help you work the situation will be integral to moving forward and working on the relationship.

If your cheating partner doesn’t want to come to the appointment, first come on your own. It’s in these sessions we can work through what happened, why it happened, how you’re feeling about the situation, and navigate what your next best steps are together.

Why did they cheat on me?

There are plenty of reasons why people cheat, and there are also circumstances where there is no reason why someone cheats… some people just do it. 

However what we need to remember is that just because your partner has cheated, it doesn’t make your relationship toxic. A toxic relationship makes you physically, emotionally and mentally sick – and when your partner cheats on you, it does make you feel sick. But, this doesn’t mean that your relationship is toxic. Instead it means that your partner has done something in the relationship that isn’t conducive to a healthy relationship.

You’ve heard the saying once a cheater, always a cheater – I’m here to tell you that just isn’t true. I’ve worked with clients who have had very healthy relationships where one of the partners has strayed out of character, and in these instances have been able to restore their relationship. In these circumstances both partners can be deeply affected, including the cheating partner.

However on the other hand I’ve seen clients present with what they thought was a one time thing that they want to work through; however 2 years down the track they’re going through the same thing. This is where you need to ask yourself if you’re going to continually be hurt or disappointed, as your partner isn’t showing up with respect to your boundaries or expectations of your relationship.

Final thoughts

Overall, there’s no easy answer for what to do next when you find out a partner is cheating. Ultimately the decision is up to you - not what your mum, sister or friend thinks. It’s about your situation, your relationship and you have the final say in how you approach this situation.