When we’re talking about sexual intimacy, the most common problem that I see come up in relationships is often around mismatched sex drive. In my experience the one thing that impacts sexual intimacy more than anything else isn't a lack of libido, it’s not a difference in sex drive, it’s actually resentment. 

When there is resentment in the relationship it eats at sex drive, which means you’ll no longer want to have intimate interactions with your partner. If there is resentment building in your relationship, it’s really important to deal with this first — you’ll soon find you have so much resentment toward them that you no longer feel free in your physical, emotional or spiritual self. 

If you’re not feeling any resentment towards your partner, but you’re still experiencing a mismatched sex drive, make sure you go and see your GP to look at your hormone levels. A hormone imbalance could be causing the issue, as something that sits within your biology. 

Digging deeper

Next I would want to look at your emotional body. Ask yourself… are you connecting? Are you feeling heard? Are you feeling like you’re in a partnership? Are you feeling like sex is just a chore? Aligning with your partner on all of these things will in turn help improve your intimacy. 

Lastly, do you have any history or trauma around sex in your past and is this impacting your relationship right now? I often see this with clients who have experienced sexual abuse or violence, that can affect them later in life. If this is the case, then I would recommend seeing a professional who can help you work through any trauma you may be holding on to.

Communication with your partner around this topic shouldn’t start in the bedroom — it starts outside of the bedroom. You should be talking about what happens in the bedroom, what you fantasise about, or what you want to try and experiment with, outside of the bedroom. These are things you can talk about every single day; you don’t need to wait until you’re in the bedroom to talk about concerns at that moment. These conversations can be planned, where you can set up some boundaries around what this looks like for you in your relationship. 

Final thoughts

However, if you’re in a relationship where you can’t talk about anything without feeling judged or shut down, it will be quite hard to have these conversations. If you find yourself in this situation, enlist the help of a professional who can help you work through these issues together.

Ultimately there could be a few reasons why this is affecting your sexual intimacy, but it’s all about unpacking which it is for you, and how we can work through it and reignite the flame in the bedroom!