You’ve probably been out on dates before with a guy who seems aloof and carefree, yet you’re surprised when he doesn’t respond to your texts right away and doesn’t give more than a “good thanks” when you ask how they are. Your friends might have told you he sounds emotionally unavailable, which brings you to say what you always say “why do I always attract emotionally unavailable guys?”.

The thing with dating emotionally unavailable people is that you won’t really know they act this way until you’re a little too invested in where the relationship is going. By that time, you’re falling head-over-heels for someone who isn’t on the same page, let alone the same book as you. Generally someone who is emotionally unavailable is hard to point out at first, because usually they’re very charming, good conversationalists and do well in social situations.

So how do you spot an emotionally unavailable person?

Where the truth lies is in their lack of emotional intimacy and avoidance of anything that tries to breach their emotional barriers. You can’t really get to know this person and how they are because they simply won’t let you – sure you’ve had fun together so far on your dates, but when you start to discuss things about the past or feelings, they’ll drop the relationship in seconds.

This has nothing to do with you as a person and you shouldn’t be restricted for wanting to get to know who you’re dating. This person has exited the relationship because they can’t cope with their own emotions, let alone trying to understand yours. They aren’t able to process complex feelings beyond certain points and sometimes triggers can mean they go from charming and chatty to cold and dry.

They don’t actually comprehend that they’re doing this either, which stems to their attachment style that is ‘avoidant-attachment’. As an independent person, they think that by you wanting to get to know them means you’re being clingy and demanding, when in fact it’s just a normal way for you to get to know them more deeply. They won’t often talk about those conversations when you find out exactly how a person thinks and operates, plus they’ve never been in a serious or long-enough relationship where they get to this stage.

What’s an avoidant-attachment style?

An emotionally unavailable person often falls into this category because they struggle with intimacy and letting people in. Instead of going into a relationship with emotion, they resort to logic and become ‘suffocated’ by other people very easily; they like to be in control of how often they talk to and see their partner. 

For someone like this, they always have an exit strategy in place in case things turn for them, meaning they’re always thinking about worst case scenarios instead of living in the moment. People with this attachment style often become workaholics because they prefer to be in control of their workload, home life and relationship time, filling the void of loneliness that they have created for themselves.

This person wants to control what happens within the relationship too and likes to hold the power, so you’ll notice they are inconsistent with things like showing affection, returning calls or texts, making future plans or committing to events. They’re flaky, won’t put the same effort into the relationship, and believe if you show your emotions you’re not a strong person (when in fact, being vulnerable is showing strength). 

Should I stay with an emotionally unavailable person?

It’s hard to pull away from someone when you really like them and become invested in the relationship, but if someone is showing you who they really are, believe it. You shouldn’t see this person as something to be ‘fixed’ either, not only are they not ready to change their ways, but it’s not your responsibility to change them. Of course, you can try to help them by asking and being there for them, but eventually the changes they make will be on their own time – and who knows when that will be.

There’s nothing worse than a one-sided relationship where you put in all the love, effort and support for the both of you; you need someone who is ready to love you, respect you, and appreciate all of your glory. You can only help someone so much before it’s up to them to continue their journey to being more open, accepting and available to loving and being loved in return.