Why some men struggle to commit

At one point or another in our lives, we’ve all experienced someone who is known as a commitment-phobe. You might be dating a guy right now who doesn’t seem ready to ever pull the trigger and officially become your boyfriend, which makes you start to doubt yourself and if the relationship is going anywhere. 

You may have even been in a relationship with someone who seemed like your perfect match yet it baffled you that they couldn’t commit and take things to the next level – some men struggle to commit and if you haven’t experienced it for yourself, you can be sure a girlfriend of yours has. Whether your commitment-phobe man is having trouble publicly dating you, is unable to lock down future plans like a home with you, or even get down on one knee, there are many layers to why some men struggle to commit to relationships on certain levels.

Sometimes it can be blatantly obvious why certain men struggle to commit from dating to an exclusive relationship, especially if he’s found a great person to be with. It’s usually boiled down to the fact they aren’t emotionally mature for a relationship, but there’s more to commitment-phobes than meets the eye. When it comes to men who struggle to put big commitments on a home or getting married, it can stem from other reasons. 

Men often struggle to commit because of issues to do with past relationships (including the relationships with their parents), fears of being rejected and committing to one person, and how they view relationships in general. Let’s dive into why men struggle to commit and how to help him get over these fears.

He’s not a one-woman man

Sometimes, men struggle to commit to a relationship simply because they don’t want one – they want several. They desire to have multiple women and relationships going at once because he feels fulfilled sexually, emotionally and mentally with various people taking care of his needs. Your date might be struggling to commit because he could already be in a serious relationship you are unaware of, and doesn’t want to take it public because he’ll be outed. 

This man loves to live the best of both worlds with a committed front girl and a sneaky side-chick. It’s not your job to bring this man into the zone of commitment for your relationship and he won’t change; it’s best to let him go and find someone who will want to be with you and only you, if that’s your end game.

Family values

We often base our relationship expectations and perceptions on our experiences with our first ever relationship, the one we had with our parents. For some men, they’ve grown up in healthy households in which they have learned to take responsibility, face consequences, respect everyone including women, and to work for what they want out of life. For others, whether it be being abandoned by a parent, seeing abuse in their household, and experiencing a distorted view of how a relationship should work can influence how they act in relationships in adulthood. 

For men that struggle to commit because of how they grew up, it can be harder for them to break the connection they have of their relationship perception and behaviour because it is so deeply rooted in their psyche. Whether they’ve seen a parent cheat in the relationship, experience a parent letting them down, or developing trust issues due to past trauma, it’s going to be a self-actualising journey if they can break down and address these inner issues.

Not facing fears

Men aren’t usually the first ones to talk about their emotions and definitely not the first to self-identify deeper issues they have in relationships. When men are fearful of commitment and rejection, it’s often due to being hurt so severely in a previous romantic relationship – they were unable to come back from the pain and have decided to shut out commitment altogether. They’d rather be in an emotionless, flexible partnership with possibly multiple women and keep them at arms length so they don’t get too close. 

The possibility of being hurt again is actually preventing them from creating any real emotions or connections at all; they become lonely because their lack of intimacy and fear of being rejected is what they keep close. For a man like this who has experienced past pain, it can take a while to finally move away from the fear and be vulnerable with someone they genuinely want to be with. If you’re with a man who you have a connection with that won’t budge when taking the next step in your relationship because he’s been hurt here before, you need to openly discuss the issues at hand. 

Reassure him that you aren’t that person he was with, and you want to help him go to the next level at his own pace – some men overthink in their minds due to fear of the unknown. You can always remind him if he’s uncomfortable in the next level you can bring it back, but once he’s experienced that it isn’t so bad, it’s unlikely he’ll want to take a step backward in the relationship.