Module 6
Lesson 4 - Attachment style
There are Four main styles of attachment identified in adults. These attachment styles can affect your relationships.
• secure
• anxious-preoccupied
• dismissive-avoidant
• fearful-avoidant
SECURE ATTACHMENT STYLE
People with secure attachment strategies are comfortable in giving and receiving affection. They are also comfortable being alone and independent. They’re able to correctly prioritise their relationships within their life and easily draw healthy boundaries and stick to them.
Secure attachment types make the best romantic partners, family members, and even friends. Able to accept rejection and move on healthily is a stand-out for these individuals. They are capable of being loyal, they have little issue trusting people they’re close to and are trustworthy themselves.
ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT STYLE
Anxious attachment types are the nervous and stressed out individuals in their relationships. They have a constant need for reassurance and affection from a partner. They have trouble being alone or single. These individuals often perish to unhealthy or abusive relationships. They struggle trusting people, even if they’re close to them. Sometimes their behaviour is irrational, sporadic, and overly emotional. They often complain that every one of the opposite sex are cold and heartless.
This is the partner who calls you 36 times in one night wondering why you didn’t call him back, or the guy who follows you to work to make sure you’re not flirting with any other man.
AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE
Avoidant attachment types are extremely independent, self-directed, and often
uncomfortable with intimacy. These are the commitment-phobes and are experts at rationalising their way out of any intimate situation. They are the ones that regularly complain about feeling “suffocated” when people try to get close to them. In every relationship, they always have an exit strategy and they often create a lifestyle in such a way to avoid commitment or too much intimacy.
This is the guy who works 80 hours a week and gets annoyed when you want to see him more than once on the weekend. Or the guy who dates dozens of girls over the course of years but tells them all he doesn’t want “anything serious” and inevitably ends up ditching them when he gets tired of them.
ANXIOUS-AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT STYLE
Anxious-Avoidant: Anxious-avoidant attachment types are known as the “fearful type”. They bring together the worst of both worlds. Anxious-avoidants are afraid of intimacy and commitment, but also distrust. They easily lash out emotionally at anyone who tries to get close to them. To alleviate this, they spend much of their time alone and miserable, or in abusive or dysfunctional relationships.
Most anxious-avoidant types have other emotional problems in other areas of their life. For example, substance abuse, depression, anxiety etc
Knowing your attachment style is important in order to understand yourself, how you view the other person and what to expect from a partner. This may also help explain the thoughts, emotions, behaviours and reality of where you are today. It is especially helpful to understand the attachment style of your partner to reduce assumptions and conflicts. This is particularly helpful when you are starting out a relationship. If he is boyfriend material, he will call, keep his weekend free for you, he will make you a part of his life, introduce you to his friends, and he will tell you he sees a future with you. Most of all he will escalate the relationship, he will lead it because he doesn’t want to miss out on you. This is the polar opposite to the man who is happy to sleep with you, bide his time and get his needs met!
Be clear with what it is you want, understand his attachment style and if it supports the type of relationship you are after.