Episode #6: Long Distance Relationships

Well, well, well. Here we are and we're back again. This time, I'm going to talk about something that comes up often and it's all about long distance relationships. So we want real advice for those people making a decision around their relationships that might be long distance.


There's a lot of conflict around this. Do we stay with each other? Can we make it work? So let's talk about if you can make it work and if it's worth it. And look, there's a lot of investment in this, but I've seen this happen really well and I've also seen this happen not too well either.


So, let's have a think about that. So, we know that every relationship, there's a lot of hard work and dedication. And especially in a long-term or long distance I should say relationship. So hard work, dedication and communication are major factors in what's going to make this relationship stand the test of time.


But by adding the distance to the equation and these factors become a lot more prominent than ever. So there's that old age argument around relationships. You're either a believer in optimistic and optimistic approach, that distance makes the heart grow fonder, the whole romantic thing. Or, you're a little bit more cynical because it's out of sight, out of mind. So, it depends on the type of mindset you have. But, whichever approach you do take, there's no doubt that long distance relationships can either make or break a couple.


Now, more than ever, people are going long distance with their partners either because of career changes or promotions or family reasons. And in a way, they're great experiences but thank God and probably this is the one thing that technology has done well for us. Thank God technology is around because it becomes a little easier to keep in touch.


Now if you remember the old school saying, out of sight, out of mind, that's fine, but we didn't have the Internet back then. And we didn't have things like Instagram and Snapchat. So we didn't have those platforms available to us to be able to keep in contact.


So, it's a lot easier to keep in touch with your partner than ever before. However, just because we're living in a more accessible world, it doesn't mean you don't have to put as much effort into the relationship.


So because of distance apart from your partner it actually really means that you've got to do a little bit more than you would that if you were residing a lot closer. So let's take a look at some tips for making your long distance relationship work and maybe even flourish. It could probably be better than you think.


So let's talk about the golden ticket. The golden ticket is communication people. Communicate, communicate, communicate. And that's whether you're a long distance or not, but more so in the long distance relationship.


It's one thing I mentioned time and time again, because it's so vital. Having open lines of communication with your partner, whether you live together or miles apart is of the upmost importance to keeping your relationship intact and healthy.


And if one of you is moving away or you're currently going long distance, discussing matters such as how long the change is going to last, how frequent you're going to meet face-to-face and how often you want to chat is going to be crucial. You're going to have to come up with some type of plan. You both need to be on the same page. You need to clearly discuss what you're comfortable with and then come up with an agreement on what you both need to do for the relationship.


I want you to remember that the relationship is about we. It's not about me or I it's about we. So, what is going to work for the both of us while one of us or both of us venture out for some reason. So, what couples can do and some do this is that they put aside 30 minutes each day or each night to FaceTime or Skype and chat about their day and what's happened or others prefer to talk on the phone. It doesn't have to be that. Any which way but it is about connecting.


So it keeps you connected. It means that you're staying in tune with your partner on a daily basis. Texting and sexting maybe. Snapchatting can be easy and fun throughout the day but don't rely on it because when you both make time to hear each other's voices it actually makes a difference for you.


And plus texting can create confusion or we can miss construct the tones in which we hear the words in our own head right? Sometimes, you can have arguments about the type of text that you receive and it was never intended for it to happen that way especially around those heavier more emotional topics, topics of the heart. And they're the ones that you don't want to be texting about.


It's probably good to wait for that 30 minutes of talking or Skyping or whatever you're going to do to have a chat about it. But when you're finally together again though it's tempting to only have a good time, right? You haven't seen each other for a long time. You want to enjoy each other's company and this is the best time to talk about things that are on your mind.


So, don't put it off for another day because, oh my God, I really want to enjoy this day with you because make that part of your day. Take that as the opportunity to openly communicate with your partner about any feelings you have. Even if it's about being a little bit jealous about things that are happened or a bit lonely or you've got doubts.


Use that time as an opportunity to voice those concerns, because if you haven't and then you're going away in the next couple of days and you feel like you haven't been heard, you're going to leave feeling worse than when you came to visit. So, you end up feeling much better for it.


And plus, you can hug it out at the end. If you're face-to-face, it's a lot easier, and there's always makeup sex. So make a date, plan together and have fun when you do see each other.


So, is there a highlight to a long distance relationship? Yes. It's when you finally get to catch up. Either they've come to you or you've gone to them but it's a great idea to plan dates ahead of time and bring them along to family events or group dinners and include them.


Include your partner in your everyday life to make them feel like you actually need them and want them around. You do the groundwork for them so that when they eventually do come over they feel like you've actually had a think and you thought about what it would be like for them coming to see you and you've put some effort into making their time with you special.


Doing those mundane jobs around the house like the dishes and the laundry make you feel like you're a living couple and it's mundane and it's boring but you don't want to be doing those things only when you guys are catching up again. You want to create experiences that leave you remembering and wondering and waiting for you to be able to do that again the next time you catch up.


So make a concrete plan to see each other. Some couples choose to visit each other once every four to six weeks if they can. They take turns to travel and it means that you have something to look forward to on the next visit because you've got a date written down for, oh my God, I'm looking forward to that day because I get to see him or her.


And you can focus less on those other little trips that you've got and really start to think about, "Okay, when can we have these amazing long holiday together? Okay, I might see you next week for one or two days, but in six months time, or in 12 months time we're going on a staycation or we're going abroad and we're having a vacation and we're going to spend three months together of quality time making lasting memories and making up for what we've lost while we've been apart while we're on this mission to live our best life.


So as long as you both have something planned to look forward to you won't be constantly worrying about, "When am I going to see you next? When will I see them next? Are they wanting to see me?" You've actually got it in the diary and you can plan accordingly.


I will say though being away in any relationship surprises are great. And I would say surprise them with little things whether they're with you or not. And even though they are living abroad, who's to stop you from sending a bunch of flowers? Or who's to stop you from sending a masseuse to give her or him a massage?


So I want you to have a think of what are the little things you can do that are going to make them feel special while they're not with you so they remember you and they actually feel like they're remembered by you.


So when you're away from your partner it can sometimes feel like you lose touch and it's because of life and work and social gatherings and family and all that gets in the way. And some days you just feel like you haven't connected with them at all. And all you yearn for is to go home and see them. You both obviously want to be together but you actually can't be.


So some couples have that while they live with each other as well but more so being apart. And so the only things that you are left with while being apart is the type of contact you have, the frequency but also those little surprises for your partner. And that can really put a spring in their step and make their day just that little bit better.


So, maybe try sending each other letters maybe in the mail. And I'm not talking about the email. I'm talking about a snail trail, like snail mail and something for them to physically open that you've put effort into, you've handwritten, you've put a picture in, whatever it is.


Surprise them a few times. Maybe in the day, once or twice, or maybe throughout the month. Just something to show them that you're always thinking of them. Send them something different each time or make these traditions of your own, these relationship traditions that your pen pals or you do something special or every month write a list about what you love about them or what they did that month that made you happy.


Or send a photo of them, a memento of something that reminds you of them and collect them and put them away. Or put them on a vision board of what you've got to look forward to. But anything like that, vouchers for them for where they live, anything that you can probably use even next time when you meet up. If you send them a couple's vouchers and say, "Hey, put this aside, we're doing this when we catch up next." And it's another thing for them to look forward to.


The personal letters are really special because it adds almost like a quirky element to your relationship. And we don't do that anymore. We actually don't sit down and hand-write and put in that effort and have that creativeness about us. It's always really exciting to get something in the mail. That's a small gift to get. So be a bit creative in how you can make their lives a little bit special for that day.


The other thing with long distance relationships, well, any type of relationship, but any change in relationships, especially the long distance ones is accepting your new lives. What happens is that things don't work out very well when we're in conflict or we wish they weren't the way that they were.


So, we're in conflict about what it looks like and what it feels like. So, while you, as a couple, may be the same people, you always were. Your long distance relationship means you have more downtime for other things in your life.


And since you are not spending each night and weekend with your partner or with each other, there's more time for catching up with family, and friends, and joining a sports team and taking up a new hobby. And if you find your partner is getting busy with other commitments and things, you sometimes can feel like, "Hey, they've forgotten about me." That's probably not the case. They're also trying to fill the void of you not being there.


So I'm going to say, why don't you do the same for yourself? Why don't you find something that you love to do? What you probably haven't taken some time to do, whether it's more self-care or taking up cooking classes or finally putting a dent in your must-read list or anything like that. Pole dancing, hanging out with the girls, whatever it is.


But now is the time to give yourself some time to maybe even find out a little bit about yourself. Some self discovery while still being committed to your partner. So the space could be really, really good for the both of you.


And some couples come out of long distance relationships a lot stronger than ever before because they've had this freedom to really discover who they are and still be in a loving, trusting relationship. So as hard as it may sound tackling a long distance relationship together by following these tips can really help you and your partner in more ways than one.


I want you to remember that they are missing you just as much as you miss them. So keep in mind, they have their own schedules just like you. And their commitments and their life still goes on with or without you there. It doesn't mean they're forgotten you.


So you should really think about respecting that as you would expect the same from them. So, really making sure that you're communicating together, you're having fun, you're being spontaneous when you can and you really learn to embrace these lives that you're both leading together and apart because you really could come out of this in a great space.


And just know that soon enough, you guys will be back in each other's arms and enjoying each other's company. So long distance relationships can work. They are temporary and you can definitely come out stronger at the end of it than when you went in. So, I would say enjoy the time while you can. This is Dr. Lurve. I hope you've liked this episode. I'll catch you on the next one. See ya!